Dear Reader,
In a locked room I have fought tooth and jaw in a battle of wits and tempered frustration to finally emerge victorious against 'The ID'! I have written an article that, I at least, deem noteworthy and encouraging to others in a similar situation.
Regarding the article, I would say that the fact I tapped the buttons on my keyboard and didn't bludgeon it with a blunt object makes me victorious as this was a venting exercise designed to re-new my focus towards a truly frustrating and thankless self inflicted mission - MA funding and sponsorship sourcing. Since I now have 2000 coherent words and not a pile of techno rubble in my palms it would be foolish of me to squander such an opportunity - especially since there is only a finite amount of time every year that this topic is relevant and hot!
So, without further a-do here is what I have written from me to you (and me):
1 knock, 2 knock's, 3 knock's, 4? How many setbacks can a man take before he either completely gives up and the last sinew of supporting nerve finally snaps sending him plummeting downwards, or he does something totally elevated from his usual energies and transcends into a new chapter of his life?
When you are trying to reach a goal but the harder you try the further back you go - as if your trying to break some fundamental paradox – it creates a constant draining narrative that plays in your head on loop - occasionally inspiring, but mainly a growing monotonous drone analysing your current life and how to become better. Then looking back into your past, near or far, to look for blame.
Something spontaneous and with an energy kicked into gear! That is the polar end desired of this two option scenario. To lay down and give up leaves you with an attitude of ‘nothing begets nothing, therefore I am alone’ and we do not want that.
With an energy that is a multitude of times greater than your daily reserves you must channel this sudden force and use it for good! I think this is happening to me as I type, but I need to explain so let me set the scene:
I am 27 and life has been catching up with me for a while. Now all of a sudden its caught up and rudely shunted me in the posterior at a calamitous rate. When you are smart but have thus far not found the 'right' career you get very good at moving at the easiest possible pace very effectively. I live at home with my Mother and my younger Brother – who tolerate me. I feel like an adult sitting in a cresh-pen dressed as a baby, and who would get up to explain he is in fact an able adult but at that moment realises he’s made a kaka. Because I know I am cerebral and able yet I see how much most of my friends have achieved in their professional and personal lives and it frightens me when I see how much catching up I have to do. Or - for the pessimist's out there - how much further behind I may indefinitely stay.
I have always drawn things out to their last: events, ‘shtick’ and tomfoolery, and chapters in my life, all to their last iota - prodding life with a stick of rhetoric to the brink of expulsion. Not in a “Yeaah extreme! Live life to the max, Woohoo!” way, but in a “ Now you listen hear, ive had quite about enough of this”... (Prod!), “Riiight! Thats it!” kind of way. I have been called tenacious, and stubborn, unconventional and worse, to the point of insult, but these are not necessarily bad traits - albeit slightly narcissistic. This exhaustive attitude can make you appreciate what comes next, and ensures you do not miss what you are leaving behind. Also, in many aspects, you can generally get things done at a lot less personal expense.
So it wasn’t until I was 22 before I went to University. Again in typical fashion I stayed a year longer than normal. I went on a 2nd year exchange to California to study Cultural Anthropology. It was fantastic, glorious, but I neglected my studies and had to retake a module in a 4th year (draining my last bout of student finance). Although employing pig ignorance and lateral reasoning I do argue that it could also imply I have gotten more from my BA than all the rest in my course or potentially even the whole of the University’s 2012 alumnae. It also taught me a stern lesson, and at the humble age of 24 I learnt how to appreciate the causality between integral hard work and having pride in what you do, and the personal freedoms along with the liberating feeling that one has earn't such freedoms and rewards that may occasionally be offered in life as a result. It was a powerful and transcendent lesson.
When I graduated with a 2:1 I was elated. What is more I was potentially already entering into a Post-grad career. Quite touchingly - and on behalf of my old boss, more astutely than a psychic hypno frog - he offered me a position in Marketing to manage the end of line stock – the tertium quids and stuff that could not be shifted. This was a brave promotion to offer and an opportunity I could not pass up. From my position in warehouse logistics as a Packer - actually a fantastic environment full of great minds and encouragement - but true to form: responsibility free and easy, from nowhere I had been handed a brass ring. It hardly ever happens and it happened to me! For me though it turned out to be faux. Not much more than 12 months later I was made redundant.
Yet again I was my own worst enemy:
I had been slowly realising that Amazonian e-Marketing was not for me, and also due to my late starts in life it took me until the age of 26 to realise that offices with no windows despite the good people were not conducive to a happy Louis. So I checked the hand of ‘Righteousness’ on my ‘wrist watch of mortality’ and saw I still had about 3 years and 2 weeks until I hit 30 – just enough time for me to channel the ample amounts of surplus deluded ideology which I had left over from my first 4 year of University I realised I could pursue a Masters before ‘Real Life’ caught up. I discussed this with the boss and he kindly let me move back to the warehouse and start applying to Universities.
2 months went by, the Christmas rush had died down and I was dead weight. The same week I was accepted to a prestigious University in my Home County and its name sake – Sussex - to study Social Anthropology I was asked to leave, and made redundant. All of a sudden in the rear view mirror I could see ‘Real Life’ in a matte black 69’ Buick Riviera Boat Back Edition flipping me off and tooting its horn.
In my time since then – roughly 4 months - I have struggled to regain a footing. I often have ideas that as I said are inspiring, but I lack the 'business' acumen to follow them through. In my evenings I have time to think and explore the world, and one thing that has struck me is the answer as to why so many people seemingly take the short cut rather than the scenic route and enter into Business BA’s – they on occasion may be boring cardboard cut out managers who largely miss what I think the point of University is (it should be about expanding your understanding of the world and enriching your character, allowing this knowledge to lead you to do something you are passionate about) and therefore sometimes suffer from an inspiration deficit or a defunct personality outside of the board room, but at least they know how to transfer an idea (somebody else’s no doubt) into reality.
I do now work 5 days a week at a garden centre and the event days at Goodwood race course as well as pursuing my hobby as a Writer and Floor Manager for United Magic Film. “All a little too late though!” ‘Real Life’ jeers with a toothy grin “It is your fault you feel this way; you should have grown up sooner!” I get pent up anxiety and bouts of self loathing because I don’t think I can fund my course this late in the year with only 2 months left to save. After rent I am not left with much - although the head gasket on my cherished Corrado - my dear car and compadre of 7 years - did explode last week halfway up the hill towards the race course...so at least I’ll be saving on petrol.
It is the constant inner nagging that also operates as an accountant; tutting and groaning autonomously as it seems I walk the edge between failure and the fiscal leverage I need to feasibly enter into a full time MA.
I have been selling nick-nack’s and treasures on Ebay and auction houses. I have been working for a film production company because it is a passion and it is wholesome and good for me, but sometimes it all gets too much, and for not enough return: Minimum wage jobs; No pay projects; No car; No replies from all the sponsorship letters if have sent out via post and pigeon; And protracted rent expectations due to being part of a low income family coupled with rising inflation and a stagnant economy.
So when does it all just become a bit too much and you either wake up in Estonia with concussion and a bashful return home ahead, or instead you do something creative like write a letter to yourself and whoever else might want to read it in order to clear your head?
Well, even though the modem broke yesterday so I had to trudge down to the local library...just after I tried (without succeeding) to top up my online only mobile account to find I didn’t have the funds available, which lead me to look at a payslip to see I haven’t been paid the right amount - for the second week running – which then required I ride my bike in the rain to the bank to clear their mess up because the house phone has gone missing only to find my bank has charged me with £75 (!) of standing order fees for the third month running even though they were cancelled 3 months ago...
...NOW! Now is the time for action! There can be no more procrastination!!
