Situated just off the Ferring/Goring roundabout and nestled down a long drive-way is a converted barn that is The Swallows Return - I suspect named so due to the gastric turbulence evoked when you eat 1 hour 20 minute old chips - if I were to hazard a guess.
I visited The Swallows last weekend with some chums for a relaxing hearty hangover cure. It was relaxing, with a good visual appeal due partly to three well designed consecutive open spaces: the forecourt; the inner foyer; and the back garden, impressing symmetry and space. This well thought out spacious design has a comfortable flow, coupled with the styling of the period architecture and aesthetic touches of suitably old looking ornaments - visually they have done a fine job.
Here we come to the food, and service. When I visited last Saturday it was not packed out and full to the brim, like Accessorize on February 13th, but it was busy - manageably busy. So my three comrades and I ordered some drinks at the bar. I, as I noted a few lines up, was feeling rather fragile so I ordered my self a manly Bloody Mary. It came in a premixed bottle and was poured out and given too me. I took one sip and almost flumed it back into the glass. Dolphin fountain style. The base ingredients were for all I knew decent enough - they tasted fine - but there was no Tabasco, no Worcestershire Source, and no celery. Bloody Blasphemy. Bloody Shame. Though this is not the reason I was surprised. £5.50 is why. For a small under seasoned drink that should have been £3.60 at a push.
To the table. Upon being seated our mood was jovial, in fact it was throughout, but we were feeling noticeably strained as I glanced left and right after nearly 40 minutes of wait time. There was a lady at a table opposite with her family who was complaining about her food being cold, and it was at this punctuation on my foodie festivities that I thought "Ah, I see a trend unraveling here". So we asked for an ETA from the waitress, who was friendly and trying at least. After 1 hour 15 minutes we were served. My chips were cold and below par. I am not a ponce - I will eat anything. Really. I am however always aware of value and what I expect to receive when I pay for something. This was not that - "Pmwaa-aa, nasty tatersis!" I exclaimed, to wit came our server. I explained my starchy predicament to her and, instead of taking them away for a fresh batch, first swooped in and plucked a chip straight off my plate with her bare hand and chomped it down. Concurred with me and then - with what was in my eyes a bear claw of a hand - scooped the whole lot off my plate and swiftly brought over some muchly better ones.
My point is this: The decor, the building, the prices were all fine - as in a bit classy, slightly grandiloquent, dear. Then some - very personable, friendly, informative - waitress with tri-tip steak's for hands comes along and fingers my food in a most unsatisfactory way. This expensive drink, farty varnished wood, and barn-owl-haven rafters was all bombast and a slap in the face ruse to get little old me to part with my cash all the while thinking i'm being treated to a little haute couture. No such luck, I see straight through you Swallows!!
I have since heard similar stories. So this is my summary, as I am a patient kind of person, I say this - Do not eat there if its busy. Do not expect Michelin, expect Beefeater. That way you will be impressed with the honestly delightful surroundings, and wont be too disappointed with very middle/low level time management and quality of food. Go there for big parties - there is ample space. I would also say go there for a wee tipple, but not more unless you are willing to pay for a taxi, as it is a little out the way and off a busy road.
Honestly - 6 OUT OF 13 DONK'S.
