Arun District: The Classic-VW Enthusiasts Mecca

G-werks may have gone up in a flash of bad reputation and dodgy business, but that doesn’t mean the Littlehampton area has no facility to offer the passionate VW enthusiast or Corrado owner:

On the very same plot the infamous G-werks rose and fell in Lyminister is a bespoke interior specialist who has a penchant for VW’s and across the lot is also a body spray shop – ‘Total Paintworks’. These guys sprayed Karmann Dubz (my 93’ 16v) in Flash red and the finish was sublime, and very reasonable. Chris who owns Total Paintworks is a decent guy who visually upgrades a good rotation of expensive cars, so from my experience and what I’ve seen he is very good.

Down the road a few miles in Littlehampton behind the Tesco is John Mitchell Racing. Mr. Mitchell has a long history of attending to the older and classic VW’s and in particular specialises in Corrado’s. He also taught Darren (of G-werks), but this should not put you off – the passion for the German technik is shared between them, nothing more. In fact I am due to have my sunroof fixed by him soon. So any problems and ill update this post.

In Angmering village, maybe 4 miles away are another couple of VW orientated ‘Roughs’ where you may find the Diamond your looking for. The first caters in particular to the VW Camper or Beetle enthusiasts more than the more recent ‘classics’ such as the Golf or Corrado, and can be found next to Mayflower Way’s ‘Roundstone Car Sales’ although the name of the yard escapes me, it is there! 

The second is Arundel Road’s ‘Volkswagen And Audi Recycle Parts Centre’ in Angmering, and is a stone’s throw away from my house. Of all the places, this one is closest to mine, and yet it has been of the least help. They always have a wealth of 80’s, 90’s and 00’s VW’s including the rarer ones we’re focusing on, but they never seem to have any parts as they do most of their business via online sales – so once its in, its straight out again. Because of this consideration, if you are travelling quite a distance to visit, it would be a good idea to phone ahead and check the stock.

It is also worth noting as a compensatory post script that Parris Motors is adjacent to the Parts Centre and David  - one of the mechanics - owns and maintains a very good example of an Series 3 Golf. David and Parris Motors generally have done a fair amount of mechanic work on my car I can say that they are trustworthy if you need anything fixed and you happen to be in the area.

Finally if you cant find what your looking for around Littlehampton the VW Dealership in Goring may supply what your after, or even better: 5 miles down t’road in Worthing / Lyons Farm is ‘GSF Car Parts’. They are very competitive and reliable from what I’ve experienced in the past.

Well there we have it, all is not lost in the wake of G-Werks.

Drawn a Yarn: The A'eth to B'eth Zip-linear Express.

Chapter 1:

          If you ever find yourself stuck in Horley just outside London, and need to get out quick, you may be interested to know that I might be able to help. If you need to get to either High Sulkington outside Worthing, or Great Yawnmouth that is.

Located half way up an unassuming Oak tree behind a small parade of shops and conveniences, that include a Chinese restaurant I am almost certain is run by Mickey Rooney, is stop A.5 of the A'eth t B'eth Zip-linear Express - A fully neglected once operational Zip-line that starts on top of Worthing's High Sulkington and reaches allll the way to Great Yawnmouth. With One-Stop on the way for nibbles in Horley.

Conceived and constructed by myself one hot November's eve, the necessity and origins of the often mistaken and long mused 'A'eth to B'eth Zip-linear Express' are not generally known. Folks know it used to stop mid way for nibbles and hydration purposes in Horley, but this is the story of why that zip-line came to be, and why it started and stopped where it did:


So it seemed like a good idea at the time...I had been seeing a girl I met whilst clam jousting off Sheerness Pier. I was in the semi-finals and she was the judge. She called me in on a technicality - Shocker - and before tossing me off and out the competition we exchanged personals. A few happy summers went by with me visiting her up in Yawnmouth, and then I got myself a job - whilst still living in Sussex - painting Stern Warnings on the back of boats for the yearly Maritime Festival in, yes! Yawnmouth! Unbeknownst to Grape - that was her name, Grape, I'd stowed away aboard one of the vessels the day before tally hoe. I did this so I could surprise her at the Vineyard she co-owned through inheritance with her brother. Her name was an aptonym by the way. Her brother’s name was Boris, and his was not.

Something happened the first night I was tucked away in the bottom deck. The captain fell very ill. I think the First Mate was helping the Skipper untangle a Scalextric set, so faced with no real choice I came out of hiding, because the only way to save him was to take drastic measure. Harnessing all the health and safety knowledge I had amassed over the years I did the best and only thing I could, and with one heaving scoop motion I hurled him off the side of the boat. 


When I got to port early the next evening word soon got out about my ordeal, and I was hailed a champion. Although unfortunately, my swift thinking had not cured the Captain, but my fast reactions and good intent made me the 'Jimmy-good-shoes' of the whole town, and at one point I was even in the running’s for Mayor. This was all very well and good, perfect you could say, and it was. Except I had a present arriving 2 weeks late from a 9 month voyage, so to speak, back in Sussex. Grape, the good Captain, Boris nor even I saw that coming.

Chapter 2: 

Back in Sussex, and missing my new life with the girl of my dreams, I set to making the Reliant Scimitar kit-car I had ordered and quite forgotten about. Unsurprisingly since it had taken nearly twice as long as the estimated 5 month delivery time. The kit car never worked, but seeing my efforts, people would drop money into a hat for me as I toiled away. "Another new job." I thought and never being one to pass up an opportunity I scrounged quite a profitable failure out of my bungled attempt at auto-mechanics, and used some of the spare parts to construct the Zip-linear on the side to get me from my job - flipping and rolling parts of a car across my forecourt in frustration - to my gal.

I gave Grape the boot when I found out she'd been kicking it with an old cobbler down the road. I'd lost the right one anyway, so they were no longer a pair. We broke up soon after that. 



I often think of Grape. She went on to become an Actress whose early day’s Riddlin' Ruub - custodian and her first creepy fan – remembers well, when he used to watch from his vantage point up in the dusty rafters during her time at the Rose Bruford Academy; "She used to try and tackle really long sentences in one breath that were meant to be executed in two or three. Then she would, nearing the end of her lung capacity, try and remain relaxed causing her to sometimes pull funny faces - like dropping her jaw, a little bit in the fashion of Gordon Brown and protruding her tongue in clandestine exasperation whilst turning slightly magenta. This once, I heard a raspberry" Hm, creepy. Thank you Ruub. For that.

She changed her name - as was the done thing in that line of work - to Helen Hill, though I liked the name Grape; Simple, British, Traditional. Well it couldn't have done any harm as she had her new name outside all the Music Halls everywhere you went, and before I could say 'Max Millers a cheeky chappy' it was the same throughout Broadway for her first lead role in the 1950 hit talkie film 'Home Sweet Home'.

Strangely, I bumped into my Grape - the fans Helen - again, this time for the last time. It was the late 1950’s and we briefly came back into each other’s lives for one fleeting moment down a side alley, where they used to throw out all the drunks, stoners, and supporting acts. All in one miserable salutation come the end of a working night. Both of us now in the big city, travelling. Both from the same kind of small rural village life. She was the vineyard hand. I was a Stern Warning adherer. We chanced upon each other at the side of the Theatre Royal in Brighton (this was at a time when Brighton was still known as Gaietyburg, before it was changed due to the adjective for gaiety becoming offensive). I was working as The Shadows first touring agent dealing with some unsavory business, and Grape was catching some fresh air and a cigarillo mid-way break into a taboo soiree with David Niven in an adjoining hotel.

She helped me scrub the mud off of Sir. Cliff's - or Ricc-Hhard as he was known at the time - diamond boots, and as we crounched there over the boots in the turd tattered alley we, or at least I had, for one brief moment a memory of an alternative past where she hadn't stolen my boot, and we didn't end up parting ways. An alternative life where we zipped in tandem from one coast-line to the other, sharing tall tales and One-Stop bought Bloody Mary mixers...Perhaps it was the smell of the Indian strength boot polish getting up my nosepipes, but I thought if there was one girl I could ever share my zip-line with, it was Grape. It could have been great.

Review: Ren's Kitchen - Lyon's Farm

Ren’s Kitchen is a veritable gem amongst the rough foliage of Lyons Farm – an area of outer Worthing characterized by suburban superstores, the A27, and traffic lights. Just off the beaten track - one right turn before All Is Lost Av.  – is Ren’s Kitchen, nestled up cosy to Northbrook business park.

Ren’s itself is a small green cabin with a little picket fence and gardened to the entrance with some outside seating. It looks homemade, like a ginger bread house in an urban jungle. If I could eat it I would, because everything else I have eaten at this place is pucker-pout tasty.

All the food at Ren’s is prepared and cooked by the owner – Rrrr-en!

So far my stomach has dictated that I try their sausage roll, cheese burger, rocky road, and carrot cake – that’s two sweet and two savoury. All four, perhaps bar the sausage roll which was too doughy for my liking (although sheathed inside was the biggest sausage this side of Wiener) – I would have again. I have caught myself salivating over the thought of the latter three on numerous occasions now, and I will go back.

The carrot cake was moist, carroty, cinnamon scented, and cake-like...wait, I can do a bit better...it had a light creamy frosting on the top that was soft and smooth with perhaps a hint of lemon, and the carrot in the cake proper re-established my faith in vegetable ridden confection. Seriously, it put's my Mum’s attempts at producing a credible/edible sprout falls, or her menu muddled ‘Creamed Potato Brulee’ to shame. Sorry Mum.

The Rocky Road, as a form of public highway was a disgrace; bumps everywhere! Pot holes filled with marshmallow! Chocolate tarmac! That stuff melts as soon as you lay it. As a biscuit treat it serves us much better – truly ambrosial, very moreish, and for £1 per healthy (yet unhealthy) portion you can afford to go back for more.

I do amble and dawdle (note: that’s a great name for a Real ale). Briefly though I would like to say that the savoury selection is also very appetising. I spied gnocchi, lasagna,  pies, and quiches et al. They are all homemade, and the cheese burger had a rocket salad upon the patty, which beautifully complemented the cheese. The burger at Ren’s wasn’t as big as the All Beef Co. Burger. Nor was the burger selection as broad, but it had good flavour, not too greasy, and all together delicious and good value withal across the board.

This warm, homely cafe has gracious staff and is a place great for meeting a friend for a bite to eat, a lunch away from work, or as a quiet retreat to escape into a book.

Relax, 10 DONK'S OUT OF 13.

Review: The Swallows Return - Ferring.

Situated just off the Ferring/Goring roundabout and nestled down a long drive-way is a converted barn that is The Swallows Return - I suspect named so due to the gastric turbulence evoked when you eat 1 hour 20 minute old chips - if I were to hazard a guess.

I visited The Swallows last weekend with some chums for a relaxing hearty hangover cure. It was relaxing, with a good visual appeal due partly to three well designed consecutive open spaces: the forecourt; the inner foyer; and the back garden, impressing symmetry and space. This well thought out spacious design has a comfortable flow, coupled with the styling of the period architecture and aesthetic touches of suitably old looking ornaments - visually they have done a fine job.

Here we come to the food, and service. When I visited last Saturday it was not packed out and full to the brim, like Accessorize on February 13th, but it was busy - manageably busy. So my three comrades and I ordered some drinks at the bar. I, as I noted a few lines up, was feeling rather fragile so I ordered my self a manly Bloody Mary. It came in a premixed bottle and was poured out and given too me. I took one sip and almost flumed it back into the glass. Dolphin fountain style. The base ingredients were for all I knew decent enough - they tasted fine - but there was no Tabasco, no Worcestershire Source, and no celery. Bloody Blasphemy. Bloody Shame. Though this is not the reason I was surprised. £5.50 is why. For a small under seasoned drink that should have been £3.60 at a push.

To the table. Upon being seated our mood was jovial, in fact it was throughout, but we were feeling noticeably strained as I glanced left and right after nearly 40 minutes of wait time. There was a lady at a table opposite with her family who was complaining about her food being cold, and it was at this punctuation on my foodie festivities that I thought "Ah, I see a trend unraveling here". So we asked for an ETA from the waitress, who was friendly and trying at least. After 1 hour 15 minutes we were served. My chips were cold and below par. I am not a ponce - I will eat anything. Really. I am however always aware of value and what I expect to receive when I pay for something. This was not that - "Pmwaa-aa, nasty tatersis!" I exclaimed, to wit came our server. I explained my starchy predicament to her and, instead of taking them away for a fresh batch, first swooped in and plucked a chip straight off my plate with her bare hand and chomped it down. Concurred with me and then - with what was in my eyes a bear claw of a hand - scooped the whole lot off my plate and swiftly brought over some muchly better ones.

My point is this: The decor, the building, the prices were all fine - as in a bit classy, slightly grandiloquent, dear. Then some - very personable, friendly, informative - waitress with tri-tip steak's for hands comes along and fingers my food in a most unsatisfactory way. This expensive drink, farty varnished wood, and barn-owl-haven rafters was all bombast and a slap in the face ruse to get little old me to part with my cash all the while thinking i'm being treated to a little haute couture. No such luck, I see straight through you Swallows!!

I have since heard similar stories. So this is my summary, as I am a patient kind of person, I say this - Do not eat there if its busy. Do not expect Michelin, expect Beefeater. That way you will be impressed with the honestly delightful surroundings, and wont be too disappointed with very middle/low level time management and quality of food. Go there for big parties - there is ample space. I would also say go there for a wee tipple, but not more unless you are willing to pay for a taxi, as it is a little out the way and off a busy road.

Honestly - 6 OUT OF 13 DONK'S.

Review: ALL-Beef Co. Burgers - Worthing.

Good Sunday internet users. This is my first post! 

My apologies for the perceived lack of enthusiasm - this would usually entail a long slog of me choosing the correct semiotics, and trying to make a fantastic first impression on this digital recorder, But! Alas! I am hazing out on this day of rest...So instead I will be posting a picture of a tasty burger that I purchased from the name sake of this post - All-Beef Co. in Worthing.

Located just opposite the pier in Worthing - nestled in the Royal Arcade on the left hand side, and far enough in to be protected from the wind. This burger joint - and that's what it is, a rather good British burger joint - complements the beautiful surroundings of the pure white period Victorian arcade where you can sit and soak up the ambiance as smooth classical music wafts past you on the burger scented breeze.

The Alvaraz family run the establishment and proudly only sell 100% beef Beef Burgers. Pork, Venison Chicken and Vegetarian option are also on the menu, as well as a kids menu for the youngsters to choose from. The choice is great, with an array of Anglo variations on American cuisine in a bun such as 'The Mexican', 'The Avacado', 'The TexMex', as well as a host of classic options that you'd expect - BBQ, Chilli, Cheese, Mushroom. All great, with patties that are a good inch thick and still juicy.

The main talking point for me though is the student discount. If you are without such ID the prices are a little on the high side - but certainly no more than a large Burger King meal would cost, and cheaper than a restaurant burger yet most likely twice as tasty and moreish. If you have a student ID however you are eligible to 40% discount!! YES!! So now for the price of a Big Mac meal I can get a substantially larger big burger with fries/chips and a drink. All under cheese and steeped in history.

You heard it from LyricalLou first peeps! Check it out!

9 OUT OF 13 DONK'S